Diary of a Smeeze

Omg. Manny :(

2008-09-16T22:48:00.007+01:00

He's gone He died on Sunday. He was only a year old, younger than me. It's not fair.

Miss you bro. I know I called you a pipsqueak and that but you were alright. You were kind of my protégé.

Rest in peace mate.

On the Ratwalk yeah

2008-04-17T10:39:00.004+01:00

FACT.

OMGWTF!

2008-03-07T00:37:00.002Z

Ever seen a rat without a tail? Surely such a thing does not exist, I hear you cry. There was a time when I believed the same. No longer. A midget tailless rodent is now living in our room. Mum says it's not a deformed rat, it's a 'hamstah'. Whatev, ma, it's still a freak.
It was hilarious when it tried to bite her though. That'll show her, bringing mutant creatures home all the time.

At least it's not another cat.

Look, I’m still alive!

2008-02-28T11:01:00.003Z

Things have been pretty dull around here lately, eating, sleeping and pooing being the order of the day. Come to think of it, it's been heaven.

Mum’s being taking the mick again with pink hammocks, she thinks she’s so funny. I’m perfectly comfortable with my (typical red blooded male) sexuality but there’s no way I’m sleeping on a doe’s hammock. Unless the doe is included. LOL. No such luck, I’ve had celibacy forced upon me :(

I think I’m going to run away. And this time I mean it. I could go and join a band of wild rats, they don't have to put up with hoomans trying to control their love lives.

Do they have yoggies in the wild?

Bumface and Girly's Guest Blog

2008-02-09T14:52:00.000Z

Over to the pipsqueaks today as I'm tired. Hey, even I need my beauty sleep.

Hi everyones, Elmer has finally let us post on his bloggy thing. Oh yeah, and, er, he is very big and handsome and amazing and he rocks.
Anyway, mum got us a present yesterday, it's a dead bird on a stick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111! Looky!!!!!!1

Rarr

RARR

I kills it good

I kills it gooder

Best thing evar!!!1!1

Bernard and Manny

Err...thanks boys. I think I'll go back to bed now.

Betrayal!

2008-01-20T00:05:00.000Z

Stay away from my girlfriend if you know what's good for you, Manny.

You have been warned.

As if she's be interested in a runt like you anyway. Guh.

I like presents

2008-01-18T19:52:00.001Z

Elmer has a new castle
Mum spent all flamin' day setting it up, God. I told her to take her time but I wasn't being serious LOL.

Here it is!

Room for a lady or three, don't you think?

Apparently she got us some nice new hammocks too but they're still in the post. Hmm. I think she's lying. Can't complain I suppose. Sigh.

UPDATE 19/01: OK she wasn't lying. Heh. New hammocks came today. They're cowprint though. Cowprint. How. Tacky. Sigh.

Practically starving here

2008-01-07T01:04:00.000Z

Mum has a cold. Not flu or anything, just the bog standard human common cold.
You wouldn't guess it by the way she's acting. She spends most of the time sprawled in bed sniffling and moaning, meaning she hasn't been able to go shopping and we've run out of nice food. I have been eating rat nuggets for four days straight!

Harden the squeak up, mum. I need my cereal.

My Christmas Present

2008-01-01T15:01:00.001Z

I've had my portrait done! Well, sort of.
Gabby from the Vermin Realm did it for me, just cos I'm special.

Isn't it great? Pablo's so jealous, no one's ever done his portrait. That's cos he's ugly.

Do you think it makes me look fat though? Mum says I'm not fat, I'm 'festively plump'

Oh, and Happy New Year and all that, blah blah blah. Mum made me add that.

For crying out loud!

2007-12-23T12:30:00.000Z

She's gone and got more rats! Not girl rats (I wouldn't mind that), boy rats! She came back with them last week, little runts they are, and get this, they have curly hair! HA! Pablo is, like, so jealous, he's always wanted a perm.
So anyway now I have two little pipsqueaks sharing my food, my hammocks and my treat dispenser (mum). On the other hand, I also have two new punchbags.
Mum has again surpassed herself on the stupid names front, black pipsqueak is now Bernard and brown pipsqueak is Manny. Does she want them to be bullied?

This is Bernard .Look at his curly whiskers *snort*

And this is Manny. He is pathetic.

They're already taking liberties. That was my bloody corn *sigh*

All I want for Christmas

2007-12-08T22:03:00.000Z

Today I wrote my letter to Santa and mum sent it off for me. This is what I did write -

Dear Santa

I have been a very good boy this year as I'm sure you know, I eat all my veggies and am nice to my brother. All I want for Christmas is -

A new bachelor pad, complete with designer hammocks
A harem of beautiful does, and a boyfriend for Pablo, just to keep him out of my way
15kg of yoggies
A pony

That is all. Merry Christmas.

from Elmer

If I get it all then I'll know he's real.

Mum has been playing Christmas songs all afternoon, and singing along. Badly. Somebody should tell her rats have very sensitive hearing. My ears hurt.

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday

2007-12-05T19:30:00.000Z

My friend Ruby went away this morning and when she came back she wasn't there anymore. Her body was there
but Ruby was gone. I knew something was wrong because mum was crying. I think she was ready to go, but I'll miss her

A discovery

2007-12-02T14:40:00.000Z

What I learned today:

If you hold in a fart, it turns into a poo.

Another productive afternoon.

Ho hum

2007-12-01T19:40:00.000Z

I am so bored. I feel like I've done nothing but eat and sleep for ages, which is ok but after a while you fancy a bit of excitement. And that doesn't include mum waving a feather stick around and squealing excitedly. She pretends that it's for our benefit but I know she gets more out of it than I do. I'm a bloody rat, not one of her stupid felines! Sometimes I humour her and chase the thing. Poor woman doesn't get out much. Mostly because she spends all her money on us

My girlfriend

2007-11-24T16:46:00.001Z

She is fit

Introduction

2007-11-19T01:30:00.000Z

Hello, I’m Elmer and I’m a rat. I live in Wales. I’m probably the best thing about it.

I share a cage with my brother Pablo. Yes that is a stupid name, but he's a stupid rat.

I have a girlfriend, her name is Midge, she lives next door but I'm not allowed to meet her cos I still have my tezzercals and mum doesn't want us to have babies. Like I can't be trusted. She said if I'm that desperate to have girlfriends I can have my tezzercals removed by the Mad Animal Torturer (vet). Not happening. So we must stay separated :( We talk every day but it's not the same, if you get me.

If you ask me it's a terrible waste to prevent such a fine specimen of rathood (i.e me) from reproducing. If a rat may have an opinion.